Annette’s Story
I was completely side-swiped by the emotional fallout of having low supply and I wholeheartedly believe it caused my descent into postpartum anxiety and depression. I didn't even know low supply even existed – I thought it was just a matter of willpower and trying hard enough. I judged other mothers who pulled formula out of their diaper bags and said something to the effect of "my baby is hungry and I can't keep up with him!"
When medical intervention in the first few days of my son’s life (bilirubin lights, IV fluids) showed me that my baby was not getting enough nutrition at the breast, I was faced with the harsh truth that I wasn't making enough milk. I felt deep inadequacy and questioned my very ability to be a good mother to my baby. In the beginning, I could not bear to mix formula and bottle feed my child – my husband had to feed our baby formula because I was devastated by having to use it. I wept in the formula aisle at Costco when I had to admit to myself we needed it to keep him healthy and gaining weight. I went to the ends of the earth (and my bank account) to try and find something to increase my supply. I tried all the B.S. supply boosting recommendations like brewer's yeast, oatmeal, flaxseed, Body Armor, Starbuck's Pink Drink, and also the more credible supply boosters like Moringa, domperidone, goat's rue, black seed oil, myo-inositol, thyroid medication, Metamucil, Legendairy products, a tongue tie release and better breast pumps and accessories. My relationship with my husband was put to the test because of my obsession around increasing my supply.
In the end, it wasn't enough and I wasn't able to exclusively breastfeed my baby. Over time, I gradually became more okay with this reality, but at 9 months postpartum I still cringe inwardly when I have to make a formula bottle. It still stings. Now there are other challenges to breastfeeding: my very distracted and busy baby is beginning to lack in patience for it. I'm grateful for each day we continue our breastfeeding relationship, and I am aware it won't last forever.
“Lactating individuals DESERVE to understand why they have chronic low milk supply. If there isn't an understanding of why, it is extremely easy for the person to blame themselves and feel deeply inadequate.”
— Annette Lesak
How old was your baby when you realized you had low milk supply? What concerns led you to learn this?
Less than one week old. My baby lost 11% of his birthweight by Day 3 of life, and was jaundiced enough to need us to re-admit to the hospital for 24 hours after we were initially discharged. He was also dehydrated, needed IV fluids when we were readmitted and had "brick dust" in his diapers.
What were some of your goals when you first started your breastfeeding journey? How did these goals shift throughout the time you were lactating?
When I was pregnant, I was blissfully ignorant to my impending difficulty with breastfeeding. I thought it would just magically happen, but why would I think any differently? This is the picture we see of breastfeeding in media and in society. My initial goals were merely to exclusively feed my baby breastmilk until it was time for solids, then slowly wean. I was faced with so many hurdles during breastfeeding in the early days – from a nipple-shredding tongue tie to breast refusal – that my goal shifted from some perfect vision to exclusively breastfeeding, to being able to have some semblance of a pain free (for me) and positive (for me and baby) breastfeeding relationship with formula supplementation in bottles. I'm almost 9 months postpartum and grateful to say I've met my goal the past 6 months.
What advice were you given, if any, to increase your supply? By whom?
One of my IBCLCs suggested moringa and power pumping. She also didn't think the tongue tie was a big deal, so I found another IBCLC to work with. One terrible nurse practitioner told me to soak fenugreek seeds overnight and drink the water and eat the seeds in the morning, and also to make sure I was relaxing and meditating enough.
Did you feel supported by your medical providers? Why or why not?
Not until I sought out integrative practitioners. My OBGYN was hesitant to even test my prolactin when I told her my supply was low, so I stopped talking to her about my supply issues. She told me I'd have next to nothing if my prolactin was low, and I was producing about 2/3 of my baby's needs at that point.
What is one thing that you wish someone would have told you when you began your low milk supply journey?
That formula is not poison, and you will not offset the positive benefits of breastmilk by also feeding your baby formula. That formula supplementation is quite common and is not indicative of lack of trying or lack of caring for your baby – it is a necessity. That our patriarchal society expects women to gracefully and easily produce enough milk, but when that doesn't happen, doesn't support women in their quest to understand why.
Is there any support from people other than medical providers (e.g. lactation consultants, family, friends, peers) that you wish you had gotten during your low supply journey?
My older sister supported me in early days but woven into that support was a toxic attitude towards formula, thus causing me to feel shame about having to use it. I hid the formula container whenever she visited the house and it took me two months of supplementing before I told her about it. I wish I had gotten better factual support about breastfeeding from the thre IBCLCs I hired. No one told me how to figure out what my storage capacity was. No one told me about slow refill due to insulin resistance or thyroid dysfunction. No one told me how to calculate my refill rate. I had to learn everything on my own via the IGT and Low Milk Supply Facebook group, and thank goodness for the resources and people in that group that demystified the physiological process of breastfeeding.
Did you feel prepared for the possibility of low milk supply? Why or why not?
Absolutely not. I didn't even think it was possible. I was absolutely blind-sided by it when it happened to me. I thought making enough milk was a matter of willpower and work. I am an extremely hard worker and essentially achieve every goal I've set out for myself. This one was beyond my control, and – not for lack of trying – I was unable to meet the goal of exclusively breastfeeding.
What is one thing that you would like all medical and lactation professionals to know about chronic low milk supply?
Lactating individuals DESERVE to understand why they have chronic low milk supply. If there isn't an understanding of why, it is extremely easy for the person to blame themselves and feel deeply inadequate. This has a massive impact on the mental health of a lactating person during an already tremendously vulnerable time. It also has trickle down effects, not just on that lactating individual, but on their partners and families. I look back on my early days and the crying spells where I had to explain to my seven-year-old stepson in children's terms why I felt so bad for myself because I wasn't making enough milk. It was awful.
In one sentence, why does low milk supply matter to you?
Low milk supply matters to me because it is a physiological process, that, when unsuccessful, should NOT be chalked up to some mysterious nonsense rationale of “sometimes it just doesn’t work!” That is bullshit.
What is one thing about your low milk supply experience that makes you proud?
My resourcefulness, perseverance and the camaraderie I've developed with other low supply lactating people. I've become a self-taught expert in breastfeeding and pumping and feel extremely knowledgeable, and I try to share my knowledge.